Central Arizona
June 3rd, 2025
**Sportsguy’s Warehouse Introduces Controversial New Policy: MANDINGO
Sportsguy’s Warehouse (SW), the beloved purveyor of athletic gear and questionable workplace policies, has unveiled a new initiative that is causing quite a stir among its employees. In an effort to cut down on complaints regarding sexual harassment, SW’s management has introduced a rather unorthodox policy known as MANDINGO.
According to sources within the company, the MANDINGO policy aims to tackle workplace grievances in a way that is both “innovative” and “brave.” Under this new directive, any employee who dares to voice concerns about unwanted sexual advances will find themselves swiftly terminated. But fear not! There’s a potential path to reinstatement: employees can engage in a series of interactions with the accused party to “make amends”.
“We realized that instead of addressing complaints, we could just change the game entirely,” said a representative from SW, who wished to remain anonymous but was wearing a bright neon tracksuit. “Why resolve issues when you can simply encourage employees to mingle? It’s all about fostering a friendly workplace vibe!”
The acronym MANDINGO stands for Management Action(s) Negating Definitive Interactions Not Generally Ordered, which sounds impressive but leaves many scratching their heads. The policy’s guidelines are equally perplexing. Terminated employees are now encouraged to seek out the individuals they accused, with the goal of reconciling their differences. SW promises a “hands-off” approach during these encounters—because nothing says “we care” like letting two people sort out a sexual harassment allegation over a game of clothing-optional badminton.
In a bold marketing spin, the company is even offering “extra points” for those who address their accused as “Daddy” or “Baby” during their reconciliation efforts. “It’s a win-win!” exclaimed one employee who recently participated in the MANDINGO experience. “I didn’t get my job back, but I did gain a memorable story and a new nickname!”
Critics have been quick to condemn the policy, claiming it trivializes serious issues while making light of what should be a safe workplace. Meanwhile, former employees who have been MANDINGO’d are encouraged to share their experiences with current associates, creating a unique bonding experience akin to a book club, minus the actual books—or the safety.
As the backlash continues, SW remains steadfast in its belief that MANDINGO is the future of workplace policy. “At the end of the day, we just want everyone to feel more comfortable,” the anonymous representative added. “And if that means a little awkwardness and some unconventional interactions, so be it!”
For now, Sportsguy’s Warehouse employees are left to navigate the murky waters of workplace relationships, hoping they can avoid the dreaded MANDINGO fate while trying to keep their jobs—and their dignity—intact.